i can’t believe you read the texts to me from her, easing me and making me aware that she only wants to be friends. i can’t believe the look on your face when i told you how bad i felt about treating you so terribly. i can’t believe you asked me to hang out with your friends.
you can’t wrap your arms around me. you can’t talk about cuddling. you can’t listen to that playlist with me, and sing along or play along with those songs that mean so much to me. you can’t grab my hand when we walk outside. you can’t let me keep hugging you. and you can’t triple kiss me goodbye.
we can’t hang out this much. because this is becoming a thing, at least for me. and when it doesn’t for you, i’m gonna be fucking crushed.
work was cancelled this morning due to a massive fire in glendora.
i went to disneyland with donya and jesse. out of the three of us, i was the most sober. i got frustrated with donya, because she was clearly fucked up and kept talking really loudly about being drunk and the alcohol we had brought in and wow.
mason and i hung out randomly last night. we had sex twice. the first time was probably the most passionate sex we’ve had in a while. it took me by surprise. he laid there with me and watched shows and cuddled. he even tried to stay the night, but i took him home because i figured it would only end poorly. i still don’t know if i made the right decision or not.
i’m really bummed that my phone died. because dane asked if i wanted to make out, and i admitted that i did. and jfc do i want to. and in a four loko druken state, i decided to let him know that i wanted him to come over and kiss my face. which is equal parts terrible and exactly what i want.
i don’t care if we aren’t dating. i don’t like that, in just one day, she jumped to second on your snapchat. that’s fucking annoying. and that she randomly started a conversation with you late at night. like, who the fuck does that. and i know you said you weren’t looking for anything with anyone. and i know you said you loved me. and i know you said you haven’t been sleeping with anyone. so this shouldn’t mean anything.
i spent too much money on myself today. two bras = $32. sunglasses, a growing crystal and a candle = $40. ugh. i’m awful.
i saw my dad today. he fixed my car and we talked a lot about music. that’s our one real connection - music. we can talk about bands and albums and what sounds better and who is great live for hours. he leaves for wales on friday, and i’m really hoping that he has a good trip.
i’m branching out. i’ve asked casey, christina scovel, marisa and erica all to hang out. i’m trying here. i really, truly am.
i miss mason. and dane. and mitchell. and god i just want someone in my bed to kiss me and hold my hand and tell me i’m pretty.
i’m writing this stoned. and i took nyquil. i hope this ends up being cool before i fall asleep.
mason and i hung out today. we fucked twice. and i don’t feel guilty about it. we just had a good day. no pressure, no weirdness. it was really nice. and i told him that i had hung out with dane, and it didn’t bother him at all. i was surprised and i feel much better.
christian got too drunk and texted me. he seemed surprised when my response to him saying he likes me was saying that i like him. i guess he never realized that he isn’t the only one that feels like, if the cosmos made it happen, we’d roll with being together because it would make sense. it just doesn’t right now, and i’m okay with that. i always have been. and if it never works out, i’ll always be okay with it. as long as he’s my best friend, i’ll be happy.
mason responded to my snapchats earlier. it made me feel waaaaaay better. he also moved back into my “best friends.” oh god, please let this be a good sign. jesse and donya and burke all lectured me about how i shouldn’t sleep with mason, because it’ll make things worse. and while i know it will, i just don’t care. because, wow, sex.
mitchell won’t respond to my snaps anymore. i think he’s over me. whatta bummer. dane still will, though. no blow to my self esteem just yet.
i’m too stoned right now. it’s friday night, and i’m was home and in bed by 10:15pm.
i miss mason. still. because i’m dumb. i panic anytime one of his friends post a story/snap me on snapchat. since the photo of him with christina, it’s just this sinking feeling over and over again. i just want to talk to him, but i know he wants his space. but i just want him to kiss my face and tell me he loves me and that we’ll work on things.
i’m so fucking tired of hanging out with couples. it just makes me sad.
i just want to call mason, but i know that we need time apart. it just kills me, because I miss him all the time.
i keep seeing pictures from lee’s nye party, and it just worries me that something might have happened. he told me nothing did, and i want so desperately to believe him and know that he wasn’t just saying it to make drunk me feel better.
i just wish i wasn’t so fucking paranoid about him being with someone else. we’re both single; i shouldn’t care. it’s none of my business. and yet it’s all i can think about, because i’m selfish and don’t want him to share any sort of affection or intimacy with anyone but me.
bret made me feel awful about mason last night. he yelled in my face about the need for me to get over mason. and it was a load of bullshit from him. he doesn’t know anything about mason and i. all he did was make me feel fucking terrible and make me want to talk to mason more.
i got too drunk and cried alone in the bathroom for a few hours. the usual. i shouldn’t be allowed to drink straight out of bottles of whiskey. it never ends well for me.
i just want to make things work with mason. i feel so sad and empty all the time. it’s really worrisome.